The One Where You Learn About Sociopaths and Angel Cats

All right. so, in my recent daily happenings I have seen a few things that I think need to be shared with the general world. Also known as however many of you read this post. Ordinarily, I see at least one thing a week where I'm all, "Oh MAN. Life choices, people!" This week, however, it's been a handful. I figured it was a sign from the universe to get sharing. Here they are, in no particular order.


1)

In case you are having trouble reading the small print on the front, it says "1 in 25 ordinary Americans secretly has no conscience and can do anything at all without feeling guilty. Who is the devil you know?" Wow, thank you, Martha Stout, Ph.D. Like I needed anything else to obsess over when I am lying awake in the middle of the night. According to the Amazon reviews, it's a decent read, but my favorite is the review by someone whose screename is Fresca (really?) and he/she/it writes "Although we all know sociopaths, few of us can recognize their charmed ways of deviousness until we've been taken." Words of wisdom. So... time to fess up. Which one of you is the sociopath I know? Because I sure as HELL know it isn't me considering I feel guilty for even THINKING about taking one of my roommate's chocolate-covered espresso beans without asking. (So, Julia, no, I have not eaten any without prior permission!)

2) 

Sorry for the poor quality. My iPhone is lettin me down!

"What IS that?" You may be asking yourself. And no, I'm not trying to get you to focus on the girl on the right. I'm trying to get you to focus on her gentleman friend on the left, whose hair looks like he started shaving the sides of his head and then the clippers or shaver or whatever it's called ran out of batteries and he had to save the money he could have spent on more batteries so he could buy beers at the bar we were at, so he said "ah, screw it. This looks good" and now we have a sort of mullet, sort of just sad hairdo on our hands. Seriously. WHO THINKS THIS IS A GOOD LOOK?


3) 

Amber, from Clueless. I CAN'T EVEN. There's so much going on here. I literally almost snorted when I first saw this picture. But then I got sad because I remembered I'm not currently watching Clueless and on top of that the days of giant cell phones and clunky remote-control closets are gone, probably never to return. So now all day I've had to resist the urge to go around saying, "He does dress better than I do. What would I bring to the relationship?" Ladies... when you literally find yourself saying that, it's probably a good idea to set him up with your cousin Jake since he is a boy and you are not.


4) 

Again, you are most likely asking yourself, "What IS that?" That, my friends, is an Angel Cat. It can be yours, purchased from SkyMall magazine, for the low, low price of $19.95. I know, too good to be true. Are you looking for that special something to go in the meditation spot in your garden? Or maybe just looking to waste $20 on something that will scare children and adults on the reg? Well, look no further. Angel Cat has you covered. 

All right... side story to this pic. I recently spotted a giant, hilarious metal lion in my around-the-corner neighbor's yard, but didn't take a picture of it so I went on to Google to try and find a replica. Clearly, I did not. And clearly I was led down the dark, dark rabbit hole that is SkyMall magazine. I'm traveling for work next week and I can't WAIT to see what kind of fun, spring-themed products have been added to the SkyMall catalog inventory. 


5) Parents - look away. Everyone else, carry on.

This is NOT PHOTOSHOPPED. I did not take this picture. Amanda took this picture. At her WORK. She shoved her phone into my face with this picture a-blazin and yelled "BLOG ABOUT IT" to me while we were on the dance floor at the Brandin' Iron, so I feel as though I must. Now... the most disturbing part about this picture. Not just the message being conveyed, which... ew. You are not funny. But rather the fact that clearly, there is another license plate out there that actually has the D on the end instead of a makeshift D. WHO IS THAT FIRST PERSON. No, you know what? I don't even want to know. Just, cut it out. 

Hopefully I'll have even better better things to share next week, when I'll be blogging from the GREAT STATE OF PENNSYLVANIA. (I feel like that needed to be emphasized.) Anybody got some hot spots in Pittsburgh I should check out while I am there?

The One Where I Introduce Willie (He's Just a Balloon Pig)

Let me just prep you for what you're about to read... it involves a million balloons (including a pig balloon you can walk on a string, like a real animal), a lot of sushi, beer, and someone's birthday. No, not mine. (My birthday is in May, feel free to send presents in advance. I like diamonds.) My roommate Monique's birthday was this past Tuesday, but she was in Idaho for work, so we ended up celebrating last night.

Except we are super sneaky folks and she didn't realize everyone who ended up coming was going to be there. She thought I was going to be somewhere else entirely (which would make me a pretty bad roommate, don't you think?) and I almost nearly was because the theme of the day yesterday was apparently Everybody Do Whatever You Can To Make Nancy Late Today. Rude. My cortisol level was off the freaking charts. But I made it. And earlier in the day Amanda and I had met up super sneaky style at the Dollar Tree (holla) to get a ton of balloons. We succeeded.

The lighting in the place where we started was horrible, but you get the gist.

And... LISA FRANK CENTERPIECES!

More balloons!

My Little Pony! Represent! Shelly actually brought this one. But, hearts just the same.

"Those princesses are totally judging us."

So everyone met at the Claremont Craft Ales place, this new brewery in the middle of a weird, random industrial park and Monique was sufficiently surprised. Which I just love. Surprises are so much fun to pull off. And we attracted a lot of attention in our Dollar Store (holla) party hats, but who cares?

Matt, looking very dapper.

Amanda and Nicole

Erin, going for the double-horn look.

A different Nicole, showing off this spring's two-horned shoulder style.

Ian, rockin' the ladies sunglasses.

Then, WHAT ARE THE ODDS, all these professors and students who Monique/Julia/Shelly/basically everyone who is not me go to school with and at that point... it was time to head out. Partying in front of a professor...? Weird! So we ended up at Rumble Fish sushi. Yum. Although the waitress was kind of rude to us and did not let us order a sushi boat. What. The. Hell. Isn't the customer always right?!? Apparently not. 

The Birthday Girl, wearing her super awesome Birthday Girl hat.

Nicole, sporting one group of balloons on top of her Dollar Store (holla) party hat.

Oh yes... and the piece de resistance of the evening... Willie, the walkable balloon pig.

Staring up at his mama

Chilling on our recliner. Like a boss.

Willie came with us everywhere last night and let me tell you... want to start a conversation with ANYONE? Bring a walkable balloon animal with you. From old to young, lads, ladies, children... they will all be intrigued. You will be the talk of the town. It's very fun. This morning, however, Willie was missing a hoof. No one's sure when it was lost last night, just that it was. So now he kind of dances a little more than he used to, but at least he still has a good attitude. 

Now, I just realized I did not do a Weekly Obsessions post last week, so to make up for it... here's another one! (Just go with it.)

Weekly Obsessions!!! 

1) In keeping with my love of boy bands, apparently New Kids On the Block (NKOTB, for those who are not in the know) are about to release a new album and with it, a new single called Remix (I Like The) and it's basically a story of a girl who used to be shy and a wallflower and didn't really like herself and then she decided "EFF THAT I AM AWESOME LOOK OUT WORLD HERE I COME" and clearly the confidence increases her likability by, like, a million. So I watched the video the other day and I am officially obsessed with both the video and the song. (PS - that screenshot of the large black man snapping and playing the piano - YES.)

2) I don't know if anyone else remembers this story from a few years ago about a group of already-privileged teens from the Calabasas, CA area who went around and burglarized celebrities' homes just for the hell of it. But if you don't, and even if you do, I think you'll be intrigued by the new Sofia Coppola movie that's coming out this summer about their shenanigans. It's called "The Bling Ring" and Lifetime made a (very tame) movie about the story last year, but come on. Coppola vs. Lifetime? Coppola will always win. I'm SUPER EXCITED for this movie. Plus, Emma Watson is in it!

3) HBO has been playing "The Lucky One" with Zac Efron for the past week and every single time it is on, I HAVE to sit down and watch as much as I can. If you didn't see the movie, PLEASE DO. It is so, so good. I think it may be my favorite Nicholas Sparks movie. And it has reignited my crush on Zac Efron. HELLO.

4) Britney's brunette hair. I don't think I even need to say more. Girl looks good.

5) Amanda and I literally saw Travis Barker in the grocery store today while we were buying sandwiches. Of all the celebrities we could have spotted... he was the one. I forgot how skinny he is (mega) and how many tattoos he has (so, so many). He didn't really talk to anyone, from what I could see, but one bro who works at the grocery store was like hollering into his phone "DUDE I JUST TOOK A PIC WITH TRAVIS BARKER OMGGGG" so... apparently he's still a thing. Honestly, the first thing I think of when I think of him (which is not often, for the record) was his MTV reality show with his ex-wife Shanna, Meet the Barkers. Anyone else remember that!?!

I apologize if that last video sends you down a dark, dark rabbit hole of looking at videos of MTVs' old reality shows on YouTube for the next hour, but let's be honest. That's probably more fun than whatever you were going to do!

Peace, love, and walkable pigs to all of you.

The One Where I Discuss My Random Morbid Curiosities

Okay. I have a serious problem and it's time we address it. I have an intense curiosity (bordering on obsession) about weird, freaky, make-your-skin crawl events. For example, I was totally fascinated and obsessed with that Carnival cruise ship experience from hell from last month.

A passenger literally kissing the ground after the ship docked back in Amurrica

 I L.O.V.E. the TV series Disappeared, which basically is just stories of people who up and vanished one day and there is usually either a sad ending or NO ENDING AT ALL because they still don't know what happened to the person and MY GOD. Can you imagine? My favorite one was about a woman who literally experienced a post-traumatic dissociative fugue and traveled around the country not really knowing who she was or even how old she was. It sounds like someone put a terrible hex on her, but dissociative fugues are real!!

My sister and I are also following the Jodi Arias case relatively closely. Well, maybe me a little more than her. She's busy being a mom and going to nursing school and planning a wedding, but we both agreed it's just a matter of basically minutes before they turn that insane circus into a Lifetime movie. She claims she killed her boyfriend out of self-defense, but then later that same day she went to her OTHER (live) boyfriend's house and had sex with him like everything was totes normal. That is not totes normal. That is totes cray. Plus, she looked like this prior to the trial...

And now during the trial her lawyers told her to look like this...

Psycho.Path.

Not trustworthy.

And now my latest obsession... that sinkhole in Florida that basically opened up and ate a man in the middle of the night. Like, the ground was literally all, "I'm hungry! Time for a human!" and it opened up and he fell SIXTY FEET DOWN into the earth. So now, when I'm lying awake at night, I think "these could be my last moments before a sinkhole opens beneath me."

Not the Florida sinkhole but this is a REAL THING!

But in all reading about all of these things... there's a tiny part of me that finds them strangely exciting. That's weird, right? SOMEBODY PSYCHOANALYZE ME. Except not really. Because god only knows what kind of rabbit hole that would make us crawl down and maybe it's just better to leave some things unexplored. 

In conclusion, I hope I haven't given you too many things to think about before sleeping that will turn into nightmares, but at least my secret's out in the open now. Thank you for talking me through this!

The One Where I Talk About Taco Tuesday, But Only In A Way That Makes Me Wish I Went to Taco Tuesday

Oh hey look at that! It's Tuesday again! Gotta love Tuesdays. So much happens on Tuesdays. Like, almost the same stuff you did on Monday except now you're one day closer to your next weekend. And new CDs get released on Tuesday. WAIT. Who buys CDs anymore? Oh right, me. I also am a fan of Taco Tuesday, although I don't have a go-to Taco Tuesday place around here, so if you have any recommendations, lemme know. 

Other things that are gonna happen on this Tuesday: I'm going to write about my fantastic weekend with my friend Christa (prepare yourself for a lot of pics) and about the book I just finished for my book club that's coming up this Sunday. 

First things first... So Christa got here (without plane issues UNLIKE LAST TIME thankyousweetbabyjesusinthesky) and we proceeded to sit out on my patio for 3 hours because the weather was like this:

Again, thank you Google

And we ate strawberries and did some information exchanging (read: gossiping) and basically it was heaven. So then we proceeded on to dinner, like all normal humans do...

After dinner. Christa is good at taking selfies

And then she had NEVER SEEN BRIDESMAIDS WHAT so we watched that. Please, by all means, either say out loud or text your best friend your favorite Bridesmaids quote right now since I just reminded you how much you love that movie. I'm a fan of "It's civil rights. This is the 90s." I like to say it when it's 100% not appropriate but that's how I know we're going to be friends is if you laugh or not. Don't say you weren't warned. 

So, anyway, Saturday rolled around and we (after going to a Nike Training Club workout class at the gym, which... woof) we drove on down to Stone Brewery

I love any excuse to put a driving dog in my posts

And met up with some of my friends for a delicious and nutritious lunch. Or as my father would say, a repast. 

Gang's all here!

We're normal. And then it was time to head down to San Diego itself. I love that place. We did what ladies do on Saturday nights - stood around drinking $10 drinks when we could have made them at home for free, but whatever.

I'm on the left, Christa's on the right.

What am I looking at?

BRIGHT. SO BRIGHT.

Rooftop bar what's up!

Action shot!

True lovez

The Hard Rock...

The second place we stopped at was The Hard Rock hotel. Which was fun. But there were a bunch of people there and we could not tell (legitimately) if they were with a prom or a shotgun wedding because they all looked LIKE BABIES.

Ok, fine, it was not this extreme but you get the picture

And right before we left, the Creepiest Creeper wearing a white suit jacket tried to attack. We dodged his advances and slipped down to the elevator so we could get pizza before settling in to catch our zzzzs. 

The Next Morning... eating breakfast! WHY must I be so PALE

And, like all good things, our time together came to an end. EXTREME SAD FACE. I hope Christa and I see each other before another 2 years goes by, but you never know.  So I came home and distracted myself from my feelings of sadness not with chocolate (win) but with this hilarious book:

We're reading it for my book club which is meeting on Sunday and I am so glad we did because I kind of peed a little from laughing at some parts. The woman who wrote it, Jenny Lawson, wrote one of my favorite blog entries of all time about a giant tin chicken. If you haven't read it, do yourself a favor, put on a diaper, and then read here. If you have read that book, what did you think??

Well, there's no rest for the wicked so I'm off ... to SLEEP. HELLO. Do I look wicked? 

The One Where I Use the Word Blessed.

Oh. Mah. Gah. If I used words like "blessed" non-ironically, I would talk about how blessed I've been in the past couple months getting to see friends I haven't seen in a while and experiencing new things and going places and trying new foods and MAN I FEEL LIKE A WOMAN. (Thank you, Shania...)

In continuing this period of awesome-sauce in my life, this past Tuesday Amanda and I went to live band karaoke at the same place where we saw Little Big Town not too long ago. Once again, it was one of those moments where one of us informed the other this was happening and then it was "You in?" "I'm in." And thus it was decided. Amanda got there before me (I was at D'Vine choir practice!) so I trotted on over after practice finished to find that Amanda had already made friends. Naturally.

Ignore the ignoramus in the background.

Sadly, I don't really remember their names. But they were fun. And then while we were waiting for my name to be called to go up on stage and rock out, we spied a SERIOUS dance floor creep. Like full on balls-to-the-wall dropping to his knees on the dance floor because ...????? I know from the following pic you cannot tell how creepy he is. Just trust me on this one.

Creep on the left. Cougar on the right.

I mean, you can kind of tell by his hunchback. Clearly he is trying to get his body close to that innocent lady's and make her understand why he is the best dancer in all of the union. Anyway, so eventually (like 15 minutes before closing) my name is CALLED and I rush on stage to yell Alanis Morrisette's "You Oughta Know" which is such an angry song. So, so angry. I pointed a lot while singing. And tried to get the crowd to sing along but they were having none of it. Come on, people. Next time you're out karaokeing, and the girl on stage tells you to sing along, you sing along. It's not like I was singing some obscure tune like Kiss the Rain by Billie Myers. (Anyone???)

Taken by the paparazzi.

All in all, great fun. And I got a burger for free out of the deal because it took 45 minutes for me to get a cheeseburger when no one else was ordering food. 

Free cheeseburgers should come with a thumbs up.

And now, we move on to Part II of this post, the part where I tell you I get to see yet another friend of mine this weekend. She goes by the name of Christa (because that's her name) and I haven't seen her face in almost 2 years. TWO YEARS, PEOPLE. That's criminally long. She's coming to California for a work conference (snore) but that doesn't start until Monday (yeah!) so we have the whole weekend to hang out. In case you are wondering, she looks like this:

This is my favorite picture of us ever taken. In case you think Christa is just pointing her fingers all creepy at the camera, you are wrong. She had just gotten engaged to one of the best men on the planet (his name is Tom) and she was showing off her ring. I, in case you are unsure, had made the unfortunate decision to pin my bangs completely off my head and am trying not to cry. Well, cry AGAIN since I had already cried tears of happiness for her when we did her candlelight. If you don't know what a candlelight is, you were obviously not in a sorority. Or have a friend who is obnoxious about how she used to be in a sorority. ANYWAY.

Here she is again, speaking at college graduation. BECAUSE SHE IS AWESOME.

We have a fun-filled weekend planned including wine, a brewery, San Diego, sunshine, and hopefully lots of gossip. I mean information-exchanging. And if we wound up somewhere where karaoke is a possibility, I wouldn't be mad.

Happy Friday one and all!