Who is this lady?

Monday, February 25, 2013

The One Where You Remember That Time 98 Degrees Stood on the Golden Gate Bridge Like That's Normal

So, for anyone who has known me longer than about 8 seconds, you know that I am an unabashed fan of boy bands. Now, Backstreet Boys hold the majority of my Boy Band Heart (which is large and glittery, like this one:

Horrifying. I'm pretty sure this was pulled from someone's Angelfire webpage.)

Anyway, just because I Celine Dion-style lurve BSB does not mean that I will not listen to other boy bands. Oh, no ma'am. In fact, I have a whole Spotify playlist titled "Boy Bands, Duh" which sometimes is the only thing that helps me when I'm writing something at work that I just can't seem to find the words for. And then I have to make sure I'm not rhyming inappropriately in things that could just do without that. 

So yesterday, I'm listening to the song We Fit Together by O-Town (c'mon, guys... you're fooling no one with the name of that song) and I decided to watch the video for the song on YouTube and then.... it was an hour later and I had just watched a BUNCH of boy band videos instead of doing things I should have been doing, like cleaning my bathroom or folding my laundry. But in this ridiculous life tangent, I came across some of the most ridiculous scenarios boy bands have ever had to be in in music videos. And I present them below, in order of ridiculousness.

We'll start with the video that inspired this post. Here those suckers are on a yacht. This is not very preposterous, therefore it's lowest on the ridiculous scale. What's high on the ridiculous scale? The fact that the one on the right is wearing a bracelet made from a bandana. Apparently that means he's hardcore. PS - Nice Canadian tuxedo, Ashley Parker Angel.

Next, we have BBMak (remember them!?)

Until you're back here babayyyyyyyyy

(Sorry for the poor quality) - these lads are being forced to play their love song to an airport. Because that's totally normal and exactly where I'd want to play a gig if I were in a band - a crowded space filled with angry travelers and overpriced Starbucks.

YES. I paused the video at EXACTLY the right time - during the fade out!!!

Next, we move up to the slightly more absurd - not just performing in an airport, performing in an airplane hangar. No one is going to know if you want it that way (tell me why, ain't nothin' but a heartache) if you don't have an audience around. At least BBMak was singing to people. Even if those people were just trying to buy a giant Toblerone and People magazine before their flight! (PS - pilots for private planes are paid hourly, so I doubt it's fiscally responsible to make them wait around for you to board that plane in the background just so you can look all angsty in your long, long leather jacket and try to explain how you can now see that you're falling apart from the way that it used to be [yeah])

New Kids On The Block Had a Buncha Hits, Chinese Food Makes Me Sick!

Then we have the Lyte Funky Ones (also known as LFO)... and not only are they performing at a carnival (or maybe it's just a boardwalk), they are performing ON TOP of a stand that sells Hot Corn and Frankfurters. ON. TOP. OF. THE. STAND. Why? That's dangerous. I hope you paid your Aflac bill this month! Also, LFO, stop harassing randos on the boardwalk. Let them at least look interested before you grab at them.

Now we're digging into the depths of boy band history - this is from the video for When The Lights Go Out by Five - aaaaannnyyybody else remember them? Anybody got a good reason for why they'd be forced to sing about how Every Single Word Cannot Express... The Love And Tenderness in a place where you RENT your shoes??? If Uncle Buck would hang out there, please don't sing love songs in it. That's the rule.

Now this... is just silly. (PS - nice face, Nick.) WHY on God's GREEN EARTH would you put these guys on top of this terrifying bridge? And this was definitely not a green screen performance! They were really up there! Unless It's All Because Of You (the video this is taken from) is really about the Golden Gate Bridge and how the guys love it so much because it helps them get to work every morning??? WHO KNOWS.

I still remember watching the Making of the Video on MTV for Bye, Bye, Bye performed by none other than NSync and I STILL remember how the director kind of had to convince the guys this was going to be such an innovative, fun video idea and OMG WHAT is UP with the cuffed pants and the red ones on Joey?! Boy band as puppets... almost the most ridiculous. But not the winner, because...

Yeah! That's Hanson! Mmmbop depidoopitdopdoowop doobedopbahdoowop (those are the real words)

In my opinion, performing on the moon without space suits is the most ridiculous thing you could make a boy band do in a video. I know some may argue with my including Hanson in a post about boy bands, but guess what - they're dudes, and they're in a band, so it works. Complaints can be filed here.

So, there you have it. I hope this inspired you to take a break out of doing whatever boring adult thing you were doing before you sat down and read this and go watch some of your favorite music videos on YouTube, too. Because sometimes, ya just gotta!!!

Saturday, February 23, 2013

The One Where We Talk About Cagles

So first, for the record, apparently when I say "tomorrow's entry" that can mean the actual tomorrow, two days from now tomorrow, or sometime in the future. It's called creative license and I am going to exercise mine when talking about "stay tuned for tomorrow's entry" etc. etc. 

Since it's the weekend, I hope you are all in your comfy pants, possibly watching Law & Order or America's Next Top Model and definitely enjoying some tasty carbs while doing so. I am totes wearing comfy pants and my old-man sweater (purchased from the half-aptly named Old Navy) and I am ready to rock your face off with a story about hockey, Cagles (yep, that's pronounced like you think it is), beer, and banjos.

But FIRST... it's time for my (sort of) monthly weight loss update! In case you haven't already read, I am currently doing Jenny Craig. And yes, the food is more than tolerable. Mostly. (The Swedish meatballs get a side-eye from me, but otherwise, I like their food.)  Since I started on January 15, I have officially lost 12 pounds! Woohoo!!! When was the last time you lifted 12 pounds? That ain't nothing. I still have a lot of pounds I want to lose, but so far, I am feeling awesome. And my clothes definitely now like actually fit me instead of me pretending they still fit when they only sort of do. I'm pretty sure you all can relate to that feeling. And if you can't... I'm impressed/jealous. 

Okay. Now, on to hockey. There's a minor league hockey team (is that what it would be called?) that plays right near my house. They're called the Ontario Reign. Their mascot is a dude in a knight costume. I appreciated the historical accuracy of his costume. Observe:

Hmm... that's a little hard to see. Let's see if I can get a better visual.

Thank you, Google!

So, our tickets were like $10. Thank you, Groupon! Hence why we looked so happy.

Left to right: Monique, Amanda, Amy, me. PHOTO CREDIT: SHELLY SLOPER [is that good, Shells?]
In fact, I'm pretty sure our beers cost more than the tickets. Not important. Non-professional hockey is so fun! We got to sit pretty close to the ice.

And I got this suh-weet action shot of the goalie stretching before the 3rd period.

Okay. Fine. That pic is not so sweet. But he was swishing his legs back and forth all fast like a hockey cat/ninja. Hockey Ninja Cat - new Halloween costume idea. Write it down before you forget. 

At some point during the night, they did the obligatory kiss camera. And then they did something I've never seen before and that's the banjo cam. Where they play banjo music and you have to play along to it. We did not get featured, but I'm still not sure why considering this is what Amy looked like banjoing.

Amanda is scared of how awesome Amy can play the imaginary banjo.
And then right before the 3rd period, they started talking about one of their sponsors... named Cagles. Swear to the bears. This got a narrowed-eye response from me.

Similar to this.
I mean, I understand if that's your last name. But it also sounds like a certain downtown exercise ladies can do... I, for one, would not like people to think about hoo-hahs whenever they come into my store to buy a dishwasher. Just sayin'. 

Look at your life, look at your choices.
But, overall, it was an incredibly fun night even though we did not win free Subway, free Chevy's, or free office supplies. Oh, but I forgot to mention the best part... 

That video was obvi taken at a basketball game (read: I didn't take it last night), but that is the Ole Skool Crew dance group and that is what I have to look forward to later in life. 

Okay... now, it's time for


I've got a few this week, so hang in there.

1) Apparently Dove chocolate has an official message to parents on their website, ensuring parents they do not and never will market their product towards children. Like it's crack. This is intriguing to me. And made me wonder what other companies have the same type of message. I'll try to find more and update you.

2) Like he couldn't get any weirder, Nicolas Cage bought a pyramid to be buried in (when he's dead, not when he's alive. Although I wouldn't put that past him). This is actually an old story. But I just heard about it and I can't stop thinking about how strange this is and why he felt the need to do so and I want to know if it's temperature-controlled or just a giant slab of concrete and what does it look like inside and how do they get him in there and what if he changes his mind? Who will buy that? Any insight would be appreciated.

3) I read the book called I Couldn't Love You More this week. It was published last year, so it's still relatively new. And you'd think I'm putting it here because I loved it, but in actuality, I HATED it. To be more specific, I HATED the main character. But I was equally impressed that a writer was able to elicit such emotion out of me over someone fictional. Normally, I reserve burning hatred for people I know in real life. So, I have to congratulate the writer on that at least. Here is the official description. If it sounds remotely interesting, give it a shot. And let me know what you think.

4) THIS SONG (Tornado by Little Big Town). It makes me want to put on dark, dark eye makeup and swirl into a bar wearing giant heels and whisper this to someone.

Just love it. 

All right. I think that's enough for now. Sheesh. Back to your regularly scheduled Sloth Saturday.

Thursday, February 21, 2013

The One Where You See So Many Pictures of Me and Calla You Want to Vom

I can't believe it's only been a week since I posted on here. It feels like it's been, I dunno, approximately 500 years. As a rough estimate. SO, obviously, you've all been waiting with bated breath... Here comes more Nalla love!!! 

So I hopped on my plane last Friday morning, so excited I could hardly sit still. I didn't know I could feel excitement like that anymore. I thought it had died in me once I learned Santa and my parents were one and the same. (JOKES, Mom. I know Santa is real.)

I got to witness THIS while flying:

Yeah, that's the Grand Canyon!
Neat. Love. Good job, Mother Nature. But out of my way because I have people to see and places to go! Fly faster, plane! So I finally make it to Spokane where the weather was "gorgeous" but I am still glad I brought my wool coat because this girl cannot handle it when it's less than 60 degrees. So much for going to college in Michigan. 

I debated how I was going to write the rest of this post because obvi we took about 200 pictures and that's a lot for one blog post and no one cares about us as much as we do, so I selected my 10 favorite pics from the trip. If you need more, check em out on Facebook. And if you can't because we're not Facebook friends, fix that.

Let's start with Friday night... we had wine, chocolate-covered almonds, and Calla and Jack's cat Obie to keep us company while we made these FREAKIN SWEET TSHIRTS. I have realized in the last few days that trying to explain why we made tshirts to anyone who was not in a sorority is a near-impossible task. So, if you're confused as to why we made them, just accept it, laugh at this picture where we look like dance moms, and move on.

Yep. Haterz exit.
Sigh. Love. We wore our shirts to our spa day (heaven) and then on to sushi and shopping. I know, could I be more annoyingly girly right now? But we had to go shopping to see if we needed anything for our epic night out at MAMA'S. (Emphasis is mine.) We didn't find anything for Mama's, but we did find a mall photo booth...

So... this happened.

So Mama's is a terrifying bar in Spokane where they serve "Thai food" and pint glasses just filled with liquor and their karaoke selection is actually quite good. Clearly we needed to go. 

So we put our tranny heels on...

Took a pre-bar shot...

And headed out for some fun!

The infamous MAMA on the left!
Heidi (on the left) looks so unhappy. But Calla's x-treme jazz hands are to die for. Amanda (in the middle) and Courtney (on the right) were killin it on this song!
We don't think about stranger danger sometimes.
Needless to say, we were not in tip-top shape the next day. But guess what's like the best hangover cure ever? Snowshoeing. I know, I know. You drink coconut water or take a shot of tequila or eat home fries and a ham sandwich and I SWEAR IT WORKS EVERY TIME, but come on. Nothing works like snowshoeing. Especially when you're snowshoeing in NARNIA.

Tiny me on the left, tiny Jack on the right

MAJESTIC. Also, snowshoeing is hard, yo. I fell a few times. Once right after saying "haters gonna hate" about something stupid and then I looked even more dumb because my face was on the ground the next second. Oh well!!

Monday was spent trying not to be sad, painting pottery, and seeing Save Haven that new Nicholas Sparks movie, which, if you haven't seen it GOOOO. It's so good. I am listening to the soundtrack a lot these days. Two thumbs up. 

But, like all good things, this trip came to an end, too. We pouted.

I don't know when Nalla will be reunited next (or why my hand is under my chin like a total effing weirdo) but I'm pretty sure we'll explode if we go too long without seeing each other, so it won't be an eternity! I'll leave you with some of our best quotes of the weekend (yes, we write them down) which will hopefully make you laugh, and might make you cry... from laughing so hard.

Calla (apropos of nothing): "How have we not been arrested yet?"
Me: "No one knows."

"He looks like a cross between a German dictator and Ben Franklin."

Calla, talking about Enrique Iglesias: "His music, I could take or leave. I would lick him, though."

Me, talking about my picture on my license: "I look like a lesbian fish bitch."

Jack: "That's the nice thing about marriage. You throw up less."

Me, packing my giant suitcase to head home: "Tell ya what. Next time, I'll pack less. How does that sound?"
Calla: "Like lies."

Stay tuned for tomorrow's entry. I'll be discussing the following:

- Dove chocolates (different from what I posted on Facebook. I apparently have SO MUCH to say about Dove chocolates.)
- Nicolas Cage
- The book I am currently reading
- My weight loss update (awoohoo!)

Thursday, February 14, 2013

The One Where It's My Friday and I'll Cry if I Want To (Tears of Excitement, That Is)

I wanted to start this out saying "sorry my blogging has been lacking this week and it's only going to get worse" but then I was like, is that cocky? That basically assumes people are like "WHEN'S NANCEPANTS GONNA POST ANOTHER BLOG ENTRY?" when it's probably more like "..." But whatever. I have been crazy busy this week preparing for my trip to...

That's right! Spokane! The weekend of Nalla is upon us and if you're gonna get annoyed with me just talking about going to visit her, then don't read my blog for the week after I come back because it's just going to be one giant love fest. 

For now, though, let's keep it a little more sane with...

Weekly Obsessions

1) I canNOT get enough of The Girl Who Played With Fire, the second book in the Girl with the Dragon Tattoo trilogy. Yeah, hi, I know it's not 5 years ago (or whenever everyone and their MOM was reading them) but I just got into them and I have to force myself to take breaks to, like, go to work. If you haven't read them, read them!

2) This article on Buzzfeed that is titled The 19 Dumbest Things That Google Is Forced to Suggest. The list includes one I just can't even... sigh. Anyway, it includes "Can Jesus microwave a burrito". WHAT DOES THIS EVEN MEAN. It's like they put a bunch of cats in front of a bunch of keyboards, and this is what happened. And if that's really what happened... why?

3) The HORRIBLE (slash so intriguing because it's not happening to me) story about the Carnvial cruise ship that had the engine fire and was trapped in the ocean and people poo'd in bags (sorry, mom, but it's true) and had to sleep on the ship decks because it was stiflingly hot and raw sewage was slushing through the hall. I CAN'T STOP READING updates about it. They're supposed to pull into Mobile, AL tonight and then all those people are going to collectively get off that ship and throw up if they have to so much as look at another cruise ship in their entire lives. 

That picture shows how people have been sleeping on the boat for the past 4 nights. HORRIFYING. Yet SO INTRIGUING. I can't WAIT for the Lifetime movie to come out. 

So, in conclusion, I will NOT be posting another blog entry until at least next Tuesday. It will contain approximately a million bajillion pictures. And maybe a video of me karaoke-ing. And maybe a video of us snowshoeing. 

And I guess, in the spirit of Valentine's Day, I will leave you with this someecard. I wish I had someone to send this too, but for now, I'll send it to myself, since I frequently do things that make me go "DAMN. I am AWESOME."

Monday, February 11, 2013

The One Where You Learn Bieber Is Only 5'6"

So, being six feet tall has some serious advantages. First, I can reach things off high shelves. Second, I have an automatic reason to ride shotgun over most people. Third, I can navigate through the crowds at Disneyland easier since I can see over everyone's head and see where the breaks in the crowd are. Fourth, my long legs get me places quickly (for example, the Starbucks in the airport when I only have 35 minutes between flights and I landed at gate A2 and leave out of gate A78). So, ya know, being tall pretty much rules. 

FYI, don't try to google Tall People Unite, which I did to try to find a picture to put here. Strange, foul things come up. Just trust me and move on.

I don't normally go around thinking about how tall I am, unless I'm standing next to a particularly short person or I'm standing next to someone significantly taller than me, which has only happened maybe four or five times in my ENTIRE LIFE. I do, however, think about my height more when looking at celebrities because seriously guys, most celebrities are SO MUCH SMALLER than you think they are.

I mean, The Biebs is only 5'6".

Granted, this picture is kinda old, but he has not experienced a growth spurt since this photo was taken, I am positive

Usher is only 5'8"!

Kind of looks like he's doing Gangam Style, amirite???
Tom Cruise has a whole buncha crazy packed into 5'7".

This just screams "mentally stable."
A few other notably short male celebs: 

Michael J. Fox - 5'4"
Robert Downey, Jr. 5'7"
Mark Wahlberg 5'8"
Daniel Radcliffe - 5'5"
Ryan Seacrest - 5'8"

(PS - All these heights were taken from Googling "how tall is [fill in the blank], so obviously if I read it on the internet, it must be true.)

Now, OBVIOUSLY, I am aware that the odds of me even standing next to one of these guys in my life are small. So I don't really have to worry about taking a picture with any of them, especially in heels, and embarrassing them by towering over them like some fabulous goddess. 

Much like this.

But in my real life, I have found a lot of guys are intimidated by, or simply not attracted to, taller girls. I was listening to Wake Up With Taylor on XM's Cosmo Radio the other day and she is doing a segment this month called 30 Guys in 30 Days and the guy they were interviewing said while he himself is only 5'8" (he's Puerto Rican), he prefers girls who are "pretty small, like almost diminutive." And I thought to myself... Okay, well, first I thought "Hey BUDDY you'd be lucky to date someone tall and fabulous! I don't think you could handle it!" And then when I got ahold of myself I thought, I can kind of understand that because I'd love to date a guy who makes me feel small, but realistically the odds of that happening are basically NIL. I've only dated 1 guy who was taller than me (by half an inch). The rest have all been shorter. Basically, what I'm trying to say is, you can't discriminate against a potential dating partner because of their height. Which is not to say I don't find it vaguely annoying when I see a couple and the girl is like 4'9" and the guy is like 6'7", because I do. But I think more dudes need to be open to dating a girl who can easily reach stuff off the top shelf at the grocery store, even if they cannot. I mean, let's all just let Keith Urban and Nicole Kidman set a good example for us, shall we?

So much love for them.
So, if you're still looking for your perfect match (short, tall, medium, or otherwise) let this bring you some chuckles in the meantime. And a moment of gratitude that there truly is someone out there for everyone.

Is she holding an ocelot? What kind of animal is this?

Friday, February 8, 2013

The One Where I Get A Song Called Pontoon Stuck In Your Head For The Whole Day

You know how sometimes there are those moments in life that come around and you look at them and think "I have to grab this while it's here"? Well, that was Wednesday night. A.K.A. The night I stood 8 feet from Little Big Town and I was so happy! 

So Monday afternoon, I get one of those automatic texts from Toby Keith's I Love This Bar & Grill letting me know Little Big Town will be performing there Wednesday nights. Doors open at 5 PM. Tickets are $10. You get in, you get in, otherwise, too bad for you! So I text Amanda with this information. 

Her: "What!!! Let's go!!!" 
Me: "If you're in, I'm in."
Her: "IN!" 

Because that's how we make decisions. 

So I proceeded to listen to this song about a hundred times in the next two days:

On the PONTOON! 

And off we go on Wednesday. The line is long, maybe too long, we might not make it in. It is freezing. (And by freezing I mean like 60 degrees). We have to stand by some girl yelling about how some guy she wants to bang invited his ex-girlfriend on the group Vegas trip and now he and ex are getting their own room. Things look bleak.


 LUCKILY, we made it in. And instead of doing as Toby tells us and proceed to party (ahem, Shelly Sloper) we proceed to bathroom. And then proceed to bar to get drinks/food. 

A pic from their menu. Hat not included. Unfortunately.

 So then we spot a guy who looks almost exactly like Billy Currington. 

Close to this.

He has pals. We are intrigued. So first we get our bar neighbors to take a picture of us...

Then we decide we're going over. Our conversation starter? 

(Directed at the guy wearing Nikes... in a country bar... who we just saw doing a little prance): "Hey man, nice Nikes. I bet they help you prance as opposed to boots, which would just be too restrictive." 

Drinks are purchased, we have made friends. And then... Little Big Town is on!!!!

Love love love

Square dancing.

More singing!!!
SO AMAZING. I am so glad we went. I am so glad we decided to take that moment life presented us and just roll with it. I want to do more of that.

Now, if you don't hate me too much, let's get on with it...

Weekly Obsessions

Numero Uno) People who work out... in JEANS. As Calla said, doesn't that seem like you're putting yourself on the fast track to a Down There infection? I can't imagine choosing to work out in jeans. 

Jeans don't breathe! Jeans arent' flexible! Just... no. They sell sweatpants at Wal Mart for $5. I'm about to post a sign at my gym.

However, seeing people working out in jeans DOES make me think of a jarty. See definition here. Who doesn't like thinking about jarties? Sad people. That's who. I have a whole entire Pinterest board devoted to a Jarty.

The original inspiration.
You can follow me on Pinterest. Just a warning, I post a lot of funny things with really foul language (Mother, avert your eyes), so if you don't want to read that, you probably shouldn't follow me haha. But I also pin awesome stuff, too, so... ya know.

Numero Dos) This video I found on Pinterest. It takes a little while to get going, but it's TOTALLY worth it!!!

Numero Tres) This picture of an elephant meeting a sea lion. OMG I CAN'T EVEN HANDLE IT. I wish I was as happy as this elephant looks every day.

Here's a link to the original Huffington Post article where this pic was taken from.

Have an awesome weekend!!!

Wednesday, February 6, 2013

The One Where We Discuss Basil

Ok. First. Drum roll please...

As of today, I have successfully kept my basil plant alive for over a month! (Tricked ya there with the drum roll, didn't I? You thought for SURE I'd have something super exciting to share like I just won a free Forever Lazy or something, right?)

This may seem like a small feat, but TRUST - it is not. I was un-blessed with two things in this life: the first being fine motor skills, the second being the ability to keep plants/a garden.

Now, yes, okay, fine, I have decent fine motor skills. Like I can cut an apple. And usually color between the lines. But for anything much more advanced than that... good luck, honey. This is sort of strange since my father is a dentist which requires mad fine motor skills, and my mom needlepointed our family stockings one year, which is just one example of her insane fine motor skills and I've trusted my sister to apply eyelash extensions on me, which also requires steady paws.

You don't want an amateur or a drunk doing this to you!
This lack of fine motor skills is somewhat of a running joke in my family and I think the following story best illustrates just how terrible they are. When I was in 2nd grade, our class made a quilt and everyone (including the boys) sewed a little 4"x4" square of the quilt. We all got to pick what fabric we could use for our square and one of the classroom volunteer moms taught us the basics of sewing. Guess how long it took me to complete my square... An ENTIRE EXTRA WEEK'S WORTH OF RECESS.

A relatively accurate representation of what I'm sure my face looked like through this whole process...

I was the last person to finish, including all the boys. Looking back, I realize I maaaaaay have partially been taking my time because recess was kind of hell for me considering I was a large child and running/playing was unappealing to me, especially in Arizona in August. Since then, guess how many things I've sewn... a big fat zero. I literally take my clothes to my dry cleaners so she can fix my fallen hems. Oh well. I've got more important things to do!

Anyway, the second thing I was un-blessed with was this lack of plant-taking-care-of ability. A lot of it stems from the fact that I am constantly forgetting to water my plants. This time around, though, I put it right above my sink so I have no choice but to stare at it every single time I'm rinsing off dishes or getting a glass of water. So I think that forced attention has been the key to its survival. I mean, just look at it!

Now who wants to come over for some pesto?? Okay, but seriously, if you are coming over for pesto, please bring the pine nuts, olive oil, and whatever fancy cheese we need to add because I don't have any of that...

One final thing, in case you need a good chortle - the updated Mona Lisa. This is both funny and nauseating to me at the same time.

Does she kind of look like Snooki? I can't tell!
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