Who is this lady?

Wednesday, March 27, 2013

The One Where You Learn I Like Options

First of all, our friendly mewling backyard cat just walked past our front window and it nearly gave me a heart attack. If you're gonna prowl around my yard, at least do it where I can't see you so you can't scare me!!!

Second, I think it's time for some

Weekly Obsessions!

I have a lot of music in this one, so get ready. (Or readaaaayyyy if you're up for it.)

1) JT's new single, Mirrors. Duh. The song, I am DIGGING. Especially the weird part at the end where he sounds like a strange robot... "You are-you are the love of my life." Hearts. The video just left me confused. My friend Lauren literally prowled around fan message boards to try to get some further insight onto the vision behind the video. If you have any you can give us, by all means, let me know.

Side note: I am still listening to the whole CD, so my opinion is not fully formed yet. Although I am also very much digging his song Pusher Love Girl. 

2) One of my favorite artists of all time is Rachel McGoye (check out her song Oh My My... It is Oh So Good), so while I was on Spotify yesterday, I clicked on Related Artists, to see if anyone else out there could thrill me like she does. And lo and behold, I come across Grace Weber and her version of Holocene. It literally gave me chills. Give it a listen.

3) The video for the song I Love it by Icona Pop is like your best drunken crazy night smushed into three minutes. So fun!!

4) This may be the whitest I'll sound in my entire life, but here goes. Last weekend, Amanda and I had spring break in Newport Beach and on Sunday morning(ish...) we went to Whole Foods for breakfast/lunch. And all I have to say is thank GOD I don't live next to a Whole Foods because I would seriously be there every single day for at least one meal. They have SO MANY OPTIONS. I LOVE OPTIONS. Every time I go to dinner, I wish I could just have a bite of basically everything on the menu instead of a whole plate of whatever. Whole Foods... keep doing you.

Endless choices!
5) Just... this. I need this in my life, along with an excuse to wear it!!

Okay, so, finally, I need to finish my story about Pittsburgh and then I can STOP talking about Pittsburgh and move on with my life. First of all, in some places out there, the signs that tell you what lane you need to be in come AFTER you make a turn and are written in about size 12 font. In other words, you can barely see them. That can be a problem when your GPS is also confused and calling roads one thing when the signs say another and then you come to a 5-way intersection and are so busy thinking about how anybody drives a stick shift in that town in the winter because the hills are so steep and probably get really icy that you are in the wrong lane and don't even know it until all of a sudden you're back on the freeway when you just got off. 

That's why God made liquor. To calm your nerves after living through such an ordeal.

Something else about Pittsburgh is the fact that there's a DINOSAUR in the airport! I love this guy!

So welcoming and friendly. Along with these guys.

Something else I was introduced to in Pittsburgh... Pure Barre. If you've never heard of Barre classes, you aren't missing much it is basically a workout class that incorporates a ballet barre. So juuuuuust in case you ever thought, ballet looks easy, this should be simple, you will quickly find out just how wrong, and out of shape, and fat you really are. It is NO WONDER dancers don't eat anything because having a 3-sided mirror staring at you the entirety of your workout makes you regret every time you've ever gone to McDonald's and not asked for dressing on the side. Especially when the girl next to you looks like a freaking Victoria's Secret model. Like... why are you here? Aren't you done? You don't need to work out anymore!

Horrible. Torture. Hate.
The worst part of the whole experience is the fact that the girl who taught it cuh-LEAR-ly knew I was going to be struggling throughout this whole experience so she planted herself right next to me so she could give me personalized tips the entire time. Like... leave me alone. 

Anyway, that about wraps that ish up. I'm leaving to go home for Easter tomorrow, bringing Amanda with me so she can go to Frost Gelato a hundred times, and then I'm staying in Arizona for more classroom observations. I will definitely have more fun things to report once I get back! In the meantime, I will leave you with my new favorite picture...

Best part = Peter Pan in the background

Just think of that if you're home for Easter and people start getting all weird, as families tend to do, and put on your best Oprah Bitch Face and say "Haterz exit" and carry on. 


Tuesday, March 26, 2013

The One Where Everybody Did NOT Know My Name

Well, I'm back for a hot second and then I'm going home this weekend for Easter, plus more work travel, so I will try to get all the important stuff in before I leave again! And by important, I mean not at all important, but hopefully entertaining slash potentially interesting. 

So for the entirety of last week I was in the great states of Pennsylvania and Ohio observing teachers teach math in their classrooms. That's part of what I do for work, and I love when I get to do observations. Kids are hilarious and if you've ever wanted to feel like a celebrity for a day, call up any of your friends who teach elementary school (middle and high schoolers are too cool to be impressed by much of anything) and ask if you can come hang out in their class. You'll get lots of stares and "MISS WHO IS SHE?!"s and funny questions. So, first, let's talk about how Kids Say And Do And Wear the Darndest Things.

Things I heard/were said to me last week:

1) "You're prettier in person." - Uhhhh... thanks? As opposed to what? 
2) "And I'm like 'Mom, can I stay home and do math?' and she's like 'You gotta go to school!' And then I get home and she's like 'What's 2+2?' And I'm all 'That's easy!'"
3) "One time, I touched a rainbow."

"My favorite part of the story is pombetch" - Uhhh... What?

"If I had a pot of gold, I would hide it in my Nana's messy clozit."
 Kids also have some amazing style. Here's how to dress cool from an elementary student's perspective.

Step 1) [cut a hole in the box] Start with your most obnoxious sneakers. 
Step 2) Pick a theme - hot pink, leopard, camo... whatever you think makes you look most fly.
Step 3) Put on your body as many items that will fit that correspond to the theme. Leopard leggings, shirt, and socks? GET 'EM ON YA.
Step 4) Drop pb&j or juice or something on the front of your shirt.
Step 5) If you're a dude, WWE shirts are always in.

To be clear, I'm NOT hating on this. I wish everyone kept the confidence it takes to wear ridonk outfits like the ones I saw last week because if we just cared a little less about what people thought of us, we might be better off in general. Also, it's not like I looked all that great in elementary school, thanks to the cotton tie-waist shorts my mom made me wear pulled up so high they were practically covering my entire stomach. Plus, when you're 8 years old, but you can fit into women's size clothes already, that makes shopping tricky. Anyway, this post is going in a different direction than it needs to. BACK ON COURSE.

Another fun time I had while bopping around Western PA/Eastern OH...

Was my lunchtime adventure at Strumph's Bar & Grill. The first day of observations, I had about 40 minutes between teachers to eat lunch and according to Yelp, the ONLY thing around the school where I could go and come back in enough time was a pizza place called, like, Pizza Joe's or something. So off I go. Except when I pull into the lot (after almost getting t-boned thanks to a blind corner... hello, adrenaline rush!) Pizza Joe's has a For Rent sign on it. Awesome. So I turn around.... and there's Strumph's. 

It's a small bar, right next to a Curls and Clips (I swear) so I run across the street because I HAVE NO OTHER CHOICE (or so I think. I come to find out later there's a Subway about .3 miles from the school. Thanks, YELP.) and YANK the door open... And find I have stepped back in time. This was not a place where everybody knows your name.

Cheers, I love you.
No, picture more of this:

With about 5 people sitting around the bar, smoking, throwing back beers and whiskey (it was 11:30 AM, mind you) while a really old episode of $25,000 pyramid plays on the TV. And I am wearing business casual clothes, carrying my giant Dooney & Bourke work tote. I clearly fit in. 

So everyone turns to stare at me, including this lady whose sunglasses were so dark, I am unsure if she actually saw me and I am equally unsure how she saw the end of her cigarette to light it when she needed a new one. So I slink down into the seat closest to me and tell the girl working behind the bar that "I just need something to eat..." And proceed to order one of the BEST sandwiches I have ever eaten in my entire life. So, that turned out well, actually. But as I'm eating, I'm looking around the bar, where you can purchase a glass of Franzia or Carlo Rossi for $3 (that is an excellent deal) and realize the man sitting at the end of the bar is missing a finger, so I think it may be time to go. So I quickly finished, paid my $5.95 for my sandwich, and hustled back to school, where I proceeded to stand outside in the wind for an entire 5 minutes trying to get the smell of smoke off my coat. 

.... It's always an adventure.

Part 2 to come!

Thursday, March 21, 2013

The One Where You Get a Quick Look at My Life for the Past Four Days

Oh people. I have so much to update you on, but I am writing this on a computer in my hotel's business center, and I don't want to write a full entry with all my normal pictures, etc. on here. BUT. You have so much coming your way from me. Including:

1) A rant about how tiny the signs are that tell you which lane to be in when driving through Pittsburgh
2) A full detailed account of my lunch in a bar
3) Kids Say (And Wear and Do) the Darndest Things (also, side note: who would send their child to school wearing a shirt that said Trick Daddy on it?)
4) A rantette (small rant) about hotel gyms
5) Pictures of the funny things I have seen out here
7) Pure Barre (ever wanted to feel the most out of shape and fat you've ever felt in your entire life? Take a Barre class.)
8) Justin Timberlake's 20/20 Experience
6) Whatever else I feel like writing about

I hope you are all having a fun week. And that it's warmer by you than it is here because when I woke up this morning it was 14 degrees (Fahrenheit, which I'm pretty sure translates to like negative a million Celsius. Also, can someone please explain to me why we still don't measure things in Celsius or metric?)

Just because I can't leave you without one picture.... another driving dog to hold you over.

"Dudeeeeee... I am so cool."

Peace, love, and hugz,


Sunday, March 17, 2013

The One Where You Learn Paul Walker Was 26 in She's All That

Happy St. Patrick's Day one and all! Even though I just learned today that St. Patrick's Day has something to do with snakes, which makes me dislike it a little bit, I still like having a reason to wear green and drink a little from time to time. Since I will be picked up by my Super Shuttle at 7:18 tomorrow morning (really? 7:18? We couldn't just say 7:15?) to take me to LAX for my trip to Pittsburgh, I decided to celebrate on St. Patrick's Day Eve (a.k.a. last night) and can I JUST say that if you are ever looking for the best conversation starter ever.... it would be to wear one of these on your head when you go out:

Just a tiny little hat, sitting on a water bottle.

And here it is, on my head.

I mean, honestly. I got 9 comments on it in the first bar we were in alone. So, there's that. I would also JUST like to say that when you are out partying in WeHo (that's West Hollywood for you non-locals), I think running (literally, running) across the street to Pavillion's to use the restroom is 100% a better choice over waiting in line at the packed club. Plus, Pavillion's is open 24 hours, so feel free to take my advice all night, you're welcome. 

Besides thinking about St. Patrick's Day, though, my friend Kitty gave me a BRILLIANT idea for the rest of this post. So here goes, Kitty. Hope this lives up to your expectations. Basically, she Facebook messaged me about how much 90s teen comedies screwed up our generation's expectations for high school/college. Just to clarify, I attended high school from 2001-2005, so if you're around that time period, I think you'll be able to relate. And seriously, the more time you spend thinking about this, the more true it becomes. However, I know you are all busy little bees so I will do the thinking and synthesizing of information for you. Again, you're welcome. 

I mean, besides the obvious ones (like the ridiculous, raging house parties with unlimited keg beer and liquor and the tiny amount of time people seemed to spend actually in class when they're at school and the fact that nobody fell down ONCE while wearing the abundance of platform flip flops we all know were in every single movie and the idea that teenage girls without jobs could afford to give guys serious makeovers at the Gap), let's start with some basics. First up, She's All That.

Thanks a lot, She's All That. Because of your asinine plot and ridiculously good-looking cast, I expected high school to be full of guys who look like Paul Walker...

and mega-awesome beach parties. The fact that I went to high school in landlocked Arizona did not stop me from believing I could potentially be attending beach parties. Also, for the record, Paul Walker was 26 when this movie was filmed. TWENTY SIX. NOBODY WHO IS IN HIGH SCHOOL LOOKS LIKE A 26 YEAR OLD MAN. 

Then came 10 Things I Hate About You (which is still, to this day, one of my very all-time favorite movies and I like to quote it whenever possible, specifically the line about "I'm down, I've got the 411, and you are not going out and getting jiggy with some boy, I don't care how dope his ride is.") but as much as I love this movie, it did set up some pretty ridiculous standards. Such as, first off, THEIR SCHOOL.

Are you kidding me? Also, apparently this is a real high school, though, so some lucky kids somewhere in Washington (?) get to actually attend this institution of learning. 

Next... the ditching school to go play paintball and ride paddle boats together scene!?!? Come ON! What teenage dude is going to come up with that on his own!

Rest in peace, Heath Leder.

Also, let's talk about the common (but incredibly ridiculous) theme these two movies have about BETS. Nobody in high school placed bets on getting girls to date them. Nobody. That just doesn't happen. Because NOBODY IN HIGH SCHOOL HAS MONEY LIKE JOEY DONNER.

Okay, yes, fine, some high school students have money like Joey Donner did. But most likely, they kind of hate themselves and just want love, man, not money.

Next up, another personal favorite...

That's right, Bring It On the original (not 45 million). Where do I even start with this one? 

Cliff Pant-one, who was 21 years old upon filming this movie?

"I look older than everyone else at this school."
Sparky Pulastry, who would have more lawsuits on his hands than spirit fingers if he existed in real life?

The idea that two teenage girls could just drive from San Diego to LA one day after school without telling their parents?

I could not find a pic of them standing next to Missy's Beetle. This will have to do.
Okay, this post could continue for quite a while, but I'll just do one more. Drive Me Crazy. Although this movie gets less love from most people than some other 90s/early 2000s teen comedies, I happen to LOVE this movie. And not just because it was the first time I realized Melissa Joan Hart has SUCH a lazy eye.

First, this movie made me believe that it would be super duper easy to sneak into the school sprinkler system so the lawn would be watered with Cheeto-orange water, which I can't find a screenshot of, but trust. It is a good prank.

Second, it made me think that I had many an afternoon floating in a river on inner tubes with my best girlfriends to look forward to. 

Third, it made me think "if only my neighbor were a cute dude, we would TOTALLY fall in love and drive around in his dad's classic car together after basketball games". 

It's no wonder we were walking around angsty and upset all the time as teenagers. All these movies lied to us! I mean, don't get me wrong. I enjoyed high school a lot (past about freshman year. Freshman year was rough). But I just feel like it would have been so much better if I had a boyfriend who looked like Paul Walker and planned dates like Heath Ledger. Then again, I probably wouldn't have known what to do with myself if I dated someone like that and I would have just giggled nervously a lot and that would have been the end of that. So I guess sometimes, real life works out better in the end. 

Thursday, March 14, 2013

The One Where I Get Mad At Facebook Ads

[EDIT: I just figured out how to put my blog on Bloglovin, so if you're using it, feel free to follow me and if you're not, I highly recommend it to keep track of your blogs! See here: http://www.bloglovin.com/blog/4858485]

Guys... GUYS. OMG. This literally just happened to me and I feel compelled to share. 

I was  just on Facebook, ya know, doin' my information gathering which some call stalking (potato, pahtahto) and you know how they have those ads on the side of Facebook? And they're usually related to whatever you've been googling lately because Facebook knows every single little bit about your life and isn't afraid to use it against you? Well, I've been looking at dresses lately, just to see what's coming out for spring and I have found some mega, MEGA cute ones...

Mama like.

But then, I see this Facebook ad for "Stylish, Plus-Size Dresses" AND THIS IS THE PICTURE ACCOMPANYING THE AD!!!!!

No. No, no, no. No. This is not stylish. This is scary. I almost need to go lie down after seeing this as a suggested item of clothing I may be interested in. Is that REALLY WHAT YOU THINK OF ME, FACEBOOK!

Also, apparently there's some kind of feral-ish cat that likes to hang out around our house and now that it's super warm and the windows are open, I heard this cat mewling in our backyard earlier tonight. It's been an all-around strange Thursday night. Hope yours is less strange and more stylish than mine!!

Wednesday, March 13, 2013

The One Where You Learn About Sociopaths and Angel Cats

All right. so, in my recent daily happenings I have seen a few things that I think need to be shared with the general world. Also known as however many of you read this post. Ordinarily, I see at least one thing a week where I'm all, "Oh MAN. Life choices, people!" This week, however, it's been a handful. I figured it was a sign from the universe to get sharing. Here they are, in no particular order.


In case you are having trouble reading the small print on the front, it says "1 in 25 ordinary Americans secretly has no conscience and can do anything at all without feeling guilty. Who is the devil you know?" Wow, thank you, Martha Stout, Ph.D. Like I needed anything else to obsess over when I am lying awake in the middle of the night. According to the Amazon reviews, it's a decent read, but my favorite is the review by someone whose screename is Fresca (really?) and he/she/it writes "Although we all know sociopaths, few of us can recognize their charmed ways of deviousness until we've been taken." Words of wisdom. So... time to fess up. Which one of you is the sociopath I know? Because I sure as HELL know it isn't me considering I feel guilty for even THINKING about taking one of my roommate's chocolate-covered espresso beans without asking. (So, Julia, no, I have not eaten any without prior permission!)


Sorry for the poor quality. My iPhone is lettin me down!
"What IS that?" You may be asking yourself. And no, I'm not trying to get you to focus on the girl on the right. I'm trying to get you to focus on her gentleman friend on the left, whose hair looks like he started shaving the sides of his head and then the clippers or shaver or whatever it's called ran out of batteries and he had to save the money he could have spent on more batteries so he could buy beers at the bar we were at, so he said "ah, screw it. This looks good" and now we have a sort of mullet, sort of just sad hairdo on our hands. Seriously. WHO THINKS THIS IS A GOOD LOOK?


Amber, from Clueless. I CAN'T EVEN. There's so much going on here. I literally almost snorted when I first saw this picture. But then I got sad because I remembered I'm not currently watching Clueless and on top of that the days of giant cell phones and clunky remote-control closets are gone, probably never to return. So now all day I've had to resist the urge to go around saying, "He does dress better than I do. What would I bring to the relationship?" Ladies... when you literally find yourself saying that, it's probably a good idea to set him up with your cousin Jake since he is a boy and you are not.

Again, you are most likely asking yourself, "What IS that?" That, my friends, is an Angel Cat. It can be yours, purchased from SkyMall magazine, for the low, low price of $19.95. I know, too good to be true. Are you looking for that special something to go in the meditation spot in your garden? Or maybe just looking to waste $20 on something that will scare children and adults on the reg? Well, look no further. Angel Cat has you covered. 

All right... side story to this pic. I recently spotted a giant, hilarious metal lion in my around-the-corner neighbor's yard, but didn't take a picture of it so I went on to Google to try and find a replica. Clearly, I did not. And clearly I was led down the dark, dark rabbit hole that is SkyMall magazine. I'm traveling for work next week and I can't WAIT to see what kind of fun, spring-themed products have been added to the SkyMall catalog inventory. 

5) Parents - look away. Everyone else, carry on.

This is NOT PHOTOSHOPPED. I did not take this picture. Amanda took this picture. At her WORK. She shoved her phone into my face with this picture a-blazin and yelled "BLOG ABOUT IT" to me while we were on the dance floor at the Brandin' Iron, so I feel as though I must. Now... the most disturbing part about this picture. Not just the message being conveyed, which... ew. You are not funny. But rather the fact that clearly, there is another license plate out there that actually has the D on the end instead of a makeshift D. WHO IS THAT FIRST PERSON. No, you know what? I don't even want to know. Just, cut it out. 

Hopefully I'll have even better better things to share next week, when I'll be blogging from the GREAT STATE OF PENNSYLVANIA. (I feel like that needed to be emphasized.) Anybody got some hot spots in Pittsburgh I should check out while I am there?

Sunday, March 10, 2013

The One Where I Introduce Willie (He's Just a Balloon Pig)

Let me just prep you for what you're about to read... it involves a million balloons (including a pig balloon you can walk on a string, like a real animal), a lot of sushi, beer, and someone's birthday. No, not mine. (My birthday is in May, feel free to send presents in advance. I like diamonds.) My roommate Monique's birthday was this past Tuesday, but she was in Idaho for work, so we ended up celebrating last night.

Except we are super sneaky folks and she didn't realize everyone who ended up coming was going to be there. She thought I was going to be somewhere else entirely (which would make me a pretty bad roommate, don't you think?) and I almost nearly was because the theme of the day yesterday was apparently Everybody Do Whatever You Can To Make Nancy Late Today. Rude. My cortisol level was off the freaking charts. But I made it. And earlier in the day Amanda and I had met up super sneaky style at the Dollar Tree (holla) to get a ton of balloons. We succeeded.

The lighting in the place where we started was horrible, but you get the gist.


More balloons!

My Little Pony! Represent! Shelly actually brought this one. But, hearts just the same.

"Those princesses are totally judging us."

So everyone met at the Claremont Craft Ales place, this new brewery in the middle of a weird, random industrial park and Monique was sufficiently surprised. Which I just love. Surprises are so much fun to pull off. And we attracted a lot of attention in our Dollar Store (holla) party hats, but who cares?

Matt, looking very dapper.

Amanda and Nicole

Erin, going for the double-horn look.

A different Nicole, showing off this spring's two-horned shoulder style.

Ian, rockin' the ladies sunglasses.

Then, WHAT ARE THE ODDS, all these professors and students who Monique/Julia/Shelly/basically everyone who is not me go to school with and at that point... it was time to head out. Partying in front of a professor...? Weird! So we ended up at Rumble Fish sushi. Yum. Although the waitress was kind of rude to us and did not let us order a sushi boat. What. The. Hell. Isn't the customer always right?!? Apparently not. 

The Birthday Girl, wearing her super awesome Birthday Girl hat.

Nicole, sporting one group of balloons on top of her Dollar Store (holla) party hat.
Oh yes... and the piece de resistance of the evening... Willie, the walkable balloon pig.

Staring up at his mama

Chilling on our recliner. Like a boss.

Willie came with us everywhere last night and let me tell you... want to start a conversation with ANYONE? Bring a walkable balloon animal with you. From old to young, lads, ladies, children... they will all be intrigued. You will be the talk of the town. It's very fun. This morning, however, Willie was missing a hoof. No one's sure when it was lost last night, just that it was. So now he kind of dances a little more than he used to, but at least he still has a good attitude. 

Now, I just realized I did not do a Weekly Obsessions post last week, so to make up for it... here's another one! (Just go with it.)

Weekly Obsessions!!! 

1) In keeping with my love of boy bands, apparently New Kids On the Block (NKOTB, for those who are not in the know) are about to release a new album and with it, a new single called Remix (I Like The) and it's basically a story of a girl who used to be shy and a wallflower and didn't really like herself and then she decided "EFF THAT I AM AWESOME LOOK OUT WORLD HERE I COME" and clearly the confidence increases her likability by, like, a million. So I watched the video the other day and I am officially obsessed with both the video and the song. (PS - that screenshot of the large black man snapping and playing the piano - YES.)

2) I don't know if anyone else remembers this story from a few years ago about a group of already-privileged teens from the Calabasas, CA area who went around and burglarized celebrities' homes just for the hell of it. But if you don't, and even if you do, I think you'll be intrigued by the new Sofia Coppola movie that's coming out this summer about their shenanigans. It's called "The Bling Ring" and Lifetime made a (very tame) movie about the story last year, but come on. Coppola vs. Lifetime? Coppola will always win. I'm SUPER EXCITED for this movie. Plus, Emma Watson is in it!

3) HBO has been playing "The Lucky One" with Zac Efron for the past week and every single time it is on, I HAVE to sit down and watch as much as I can. If you didn't see the movie, PLEASE DO. It is so, so good. I think it may be my favorite Nicholas Sparks movie. And it has reignited my crush on Zac Efron. HELLO.

4) Britney's brunette hair. I don't think I even need to say more. Girl looks good.

5) Amanda and I literally saw Travis Barker in the grocery store today while we were buying sandwiches. Of all the celebrities we could have spotted... he was the one. I forgot how skinny he is (mega) and how many tattoos he has (so, so many). He didn't really talk to anyone, from what I could see, but one bro who works at the grocery store was like hollering into his phone "DUDE I JUST TOOK A PIC WITH TRAVIS BARKER OMGGGG" so... apparently he's still a thing. Honestly, the first thing I think of when I think of him (which is not often, for the record) was his MTV reality show with his ex-wife Shanna, Meet the Barkers. Anyone else remember that!?!

I apologize if that last video sends you down a dark, dark rabbit hole of looking at videos of MTVs' old reality shows on YouTube for the next hour, but let's be honest. That's probably more fun than whatever you were going to do!

Peace, love, and walkable pigs to all of you.